Single file.
Stay to the right of the line.
Take your time.
Take a good look.
Hey, um, are you sure they can't see us?
One-way mirror, ma'am.
Picture, in 3... 2... 1.
A heinous crime has been committed here.
Should you decide that your testimony
mightjeopardize your personal safety.
Look, sipowicz I said I'd tell you everything.
I was just hoping we could finish this up...
before menopause kicks in.
Let's start with the one that thinks her shit don't stink...
Diane Weston.
She's like a goddamn poster child for high school.
Morning, sunshine.
Remember, these are the best days of your life.
So far.
She's the "A" squad captain.
She stole that title from me.
You should charge her with that.
All right, girls let's take it from the top.
And one, and two, and one, and two...
Hi, Bruce.
You look cute.
Tommy Hilfiger.
I'm hoping fourth year's the charm.
Outta my way, fag... I'm up.
Lisa... is that you?
I lost a little weight.
Wow.
This really should've been my year.
I had a lot of work done.
I mean, I had done a lot of work over the summer.
You could tell I made her nervous.
But they have to, you know spread the talent around, so...
I've been on the "B" squad for 4 years.
Now, the squad as a whole...
they're closer than Carolina cousins.
I mean, some people say...
they're, like lesbos or something...
but that's just mostly the yag-offs in band.
Truth is, they're so close...
they all get their monthly visit from Aunt Rose at the same time.
This one's Hannah Wald.
She's like this uber Christian doesn't really say much.
In fact, if she wasn't kind of pretty...
you'd go, "Hey, who's the thrt?"
Then there's Cleo Miller.
Number one: Not a real C-cup.
I've been in the locker room.
And number two...
she has to see the school shrink.
She's completely obsessed with Conan O'Brien.
Dreams?
You mean like where I'm in Conan's all-leather apartment?
I mean, I don't know if he has one...
but that's why it's a dream.
And suddenly, we're buck-naker and all oiled up.
I don't know where the oil comes from...
but, again, that's why it's a dream.
Then, there's Kansas Hill, the original bad seed.
Son of a blue-balled bitch, I always get this one.
Mouth on her that could stop a bull in heat.
She gets her nut brain from her mother.
You see, Kansas' mom's been in prison...
ever since the day she was born.
She was just lying there, in labor with Kansas...
when she hears something going on in the next bed.
Turns out it's Kansas' dad taking a nurse's temperature.
Stay with me. I'm trying to be delicate.
Anyway, she whips out a shotgun...
and blows his ass to kingdom come.
So, she got life without parole...
and now Kansas lives with her grandparents.
And then there's Lucy.
Geek extraordinaire.
A walking left brain.
She's supposed to have this genius IQ...
but the truth is...
she's an obsessive-compulsive little freak.
OK, hands in, ladies.
Today, we're gonna cheer loud...
jump high, and look pretty because...
Cheerleaders kick...
Now, let's get going, 'cause no one ever got ahead...
by sitting on their behind.
The school year started off like normal.
Principal smith gave his peptalk.
If you are approached to buy drugs...
let someone you trust know.
Lf... you are thinking... of harming yourself...
or others...
let someone know.
If it burns when you urinate...
have milky seepage...
or are being touched by uncle...
let someone know.
Come on, you guys!
Let's hear it for the Lincoln "A" squad!
"A" squad? Right.
I was doing better dance numbers in grade school.
It really burned my toast.
Now, I know it's my duty to give you all the facts.
So, I'm gonna have to say that their cheer blew...
like a bulimic after Christmas dinner.
Their blatant disregard...
for National High school Cheerleading Association...
rules made me sick.
Basket toss flips and wool fall pyramids...
over two people high are strictly prohibited.
Yeah!
I made a complete report and sent it in.
Hey! Go, Lincoln!
Hey... go... Lincoln!
And, finally, the moment we'd all been waiting for...
Transferring from Truman High...
the new star quarterback...
of our Mighty Fightin' Lincolns
Jack Bartlett!
That's when Jack and Diane met.
Nobody saw it coming...
especially not Jack.
Jack was fine.
Oh, man, was he fine.
It was like he was a bar of chocolate...
and the whole school was on the rag.
Everyone wanted a piece of him.
Jack Bartlett.
Is Jack Bartlett interested in me?
I'm sorry... can someone else please run the board?
It's creepy, it's wrong...
and it goes against the teachings
of my Lord and savior, Jesus Christ.
Hannah, in order to get real answers from the nether world...
you've got to have a Christian virgin run the board.
Your kind is pure of heart the devil won't dick with you.
Well, uh, technically...
I don't think I'm a virgin anymore.
What!
At church camp this summer
I'm pretty sure I had...
you know, my first orgasm.
Hold up.
Any sentence that starts with, "At Church camp..."
ain't leading to the big "O".
That's not true those pictures of Christ...
all sweaty and bare chested on the cross...
always kind of made me hot.
Well, I want to know what happened.
OK, well, one night around sunset...
I went horse back riding with the nuns.
They went every night.
And we're trotting pretty hard, you know?
All of a sudden, I feel...
I feel just super-alive, you know?
Maybe I'll just ask the question myself.
Is Jack Bartlett interested in me?
He is.
Hey, man, is this thing, like on?
OK, I'm just here to announce my candidacy...
for the homecoming queen.
Uh, I plan to spread the world on 4-H.
It's all about the cows, man...
Look, I'll be honest with you
most of us realized we didn't have a whore's chance...
in heaven with Jack, the day of the candidate speechers.
Youth...
and agriculture.
4-H, 4-H rules!
Thank you, sir.
Good job.
Um, as... as the A-V Club candidate...
I think, for the... for the first time in 50 years...
uh, we should... we should say no.
We should... we should say no to a football player as king.
Vote brains over brawn...
It was the first time most of us...
even heard Jack speak.
Thanks, wow.
We weren't disappointed.
OK, guys... hey, guys...
All right, would you shut up a minute?
I was justjoking.
Well, uh, I just think it really rocks...
that the football team picked me as their, you know, candidate.
Yeah!
We love you, Jack!
Well, I love you, too, lunch ladies.
I just want to say that there's only 3 things I want in life:
To someday become a senator of this great state...
I want to lead the Mighty Fightin' Lincolns
to victory at the homecoming game.
All right!
And, uh...
I want to go to the homecoming dance...
with Diane Weston.
Ugh, they were like friggin' Barbie and Ken...
but without the pink remote-control Corvette.
Overnight, people were going, like...
Oh, they're the perfect couple.
They're so cute.
I'm sure it gave the Internet whacks...
something to talk about besides Agent Scully...
and their most recent wet dream.
Now, I'm not one to gossip...
but I think Jack and Diane got so close, so fast...
because they discovered how much they both loved...
football.
Man, did they love their football.
Hey, ho, let's go!
Hey, ho...
I don't know about the "hey"...
but "ho" is right on the money.
If they'd asked...
I so easily could have helped them out...
with some new material.
Green 88! Green 88!
Set, hut.
I... love... you.
Woo! Woo, yeah!
Yeah, baby.
Now, right about here...
is where the real shit stated to hit the fan.
Don't worry, I'll clean this up a bit...
if I have to appear in court.
Especially if we're on Court TV.
Ha, well, there's a Christmas card!
Oh! Oh, hey, Jack...
why don't you go light a fire under Diane, huh?
Heh heh, I'm on it, Mr. Weston.
All right!
Say, where are my manners?
I'm Dee Dee.
You can remember me because of my double Ds!
Oh, don't you show them!
And I'm Diane's dad, Dennis.
Now, don't try that after one of my screwdrivers, OK?
So, who wants pigs in a blanket?
Excuse me, Vendela, have you seen Diane?
Because we were supposed to go...
to the homecoming dance tonight.
Oh, baby.
Now, I obviously wasn't there the night they all met.
But I'm sure it was a super gooberfest.
Your Jack is one heck of a good football player.
I don't know how he can concentrate...
with your lovely Diane cheering on the side line.
Aw, look at this.
Oh, my, look at that.
Look at those two.
All right. Hold up.
I have an announcement to make.
Me and Diane, uh...
Oh, what the hey? We're getting married.
No! Yes!
Oh, what a surprise!
But, well...
Not before I have our baby.
So, when your dad said...
I never want to see your fing faces again...
do you think he meant "Forever" forever...
orjust until your mom wakes up?
I don't know.
And what the hell was that sound she made...
right before she hit the ground?
Well, if I had to guess...
I'd say that, that was the sound of a mother...
saying good-bye to her little boy...
and hello to the young man...
who's going to be a daddy of his own.
Jack, do you know what I see here?
Spit from your dad?
I see a flower.
And you know, even the most beautiful flowers...
still grow from dirt.
Yeah.
And while we're knee-deep in it right now...
and things may seem pretty stinky...
in the long run...
we're going to grow strong from this.
You think?
I sure do.
Diane...
I've loved you since I first saw you.
Right before you kicked me in the head.
Oh, Jack.
Now... I don't think...
Diane just up and told the squad about the baby that night...
but somehow they managed to figure it out.
No, thanks. Don't need one.
So?
Holy shit.
You just became a statistic.
Oh, my God. I'm not the first.
But you're not married.
Wait, did you say you are pregnant...
or you were pregnant?
You had it, threw it out...
and now you're going to go back and dance all night?
Shut up, Cleo.
Di, how much do you need for an abortion?
What?
No. Not an abortion.
My church can arrange for you to go to Oregon...
and take care of a sick aunt...
for 9 months.
Then they find your baby a good home...
and you come back a little dazed and puffy...
but everything's fine.
Oh, please, Di, don't be a whore...
and a murderer.
Jack told the team that night, too.
Hey, guys, I, uh...
I got Diane pregnant.
What?
Well, all right!
You nailed Diane Weston?
Ha! I'd never wash my johnson again.
Hey.
Yeah.
Ha-hoo!
I didn't mean to say whore, Diane.
It's just that I hear it...
so much at church... it kind of came...
flying out of my head.
I know, Hannah.
Look... I'm not going to get an abortion.
I've always planned on getting married and having kids.
I'm just going a little out of order.
Kind of reminds me of another young lady...
who found herself with child...
unmarried...
on a long, long road...
with no place to sleep.
Of course, that was a long, long time ago.
But no matter what...
she held her head high...
and said, "Papa, don't preach.
I'm in trouble deep.
Papa, don't preach...
'cause I made up my mind...
I'm keepin' my baby.
Yeah, I'm gonna keep my baby."
The great one.
Madonna.
We're here for you, Diane.
You guys...
Thanks. Oh...
I'll pray for you every night.
We love you.
I love you guys. You're the best.
Oh, Diane!
I guess their little fairy tale could have ended there.
The only problem was they didn't have a place to live.
What?
But all of our paper work's here.
My school records...
and Jack's football records.
Let me explain something...
No, wait... did I say...
Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye...
that we will never, ever miss a payment?
Uh, yes. Yes, you did.
I think I know where this one's going.
Um, listen...
I'm willing to put up my papers on my GTO.
Now, she's got a few miles on her...
but she looks great.
I'm sure, son, but, um...
She's twisting my arm.
I'm going to throw in the speakers, too.
Why don't you just have your parents come in...
and get the loan,
and then they can give you the money?
With all due respect, ma'am...
Jack and Diane Bartlett...
do not accept charity.
We are two young, able-bodied Americans.
We're not looking for a hand out...
we're looking for a hand up.
Give us food, and we'll be hungry tomorrow...
but give us corn...
the kind you plant, not eat...
and we'll grow it...
and uh, um... cut it...
and, uh...
you know, eat it.
Now, if you're interested in giving us a home loan...
I will sit back down.
If not, have a nice day, ma'am.
Sorry. My hands are tied.
She's on the honor roll.
Somehow, they managed to find their dream house anyway.
More of a dump, if you ask me.
We'll take it.
Oh, fine. Fine. Jesus, settle down, OK?
Let's just keep in mind here I manage the building, OK?
I don't, like, own it, and I don't fix shit.
And I also don't care if shit breaks, OK?
All I care is you little bastards...
shove the rent under my door on the 1st, you got that?
You understand that?
OK. Oh, yeah, and one more thing.
You see any packages outside my door...
you leave them the hell alone.
Capisce?
Two taco grandes!
One bean burrito.
A large taco chip.
And guacamole.
And that'll be...
35 cents.
We don't really have fried rats in the buckets.
I know. I checked.
You know what? I'm going to save you the time.
I'm not going to lie. I don't believe in it.
If you pick your ass, I'm going to tell people.
I have no idea how to run your register.
You're Jack Bartlett, right?
Yeah.
So, you'd be, like...
hanging out with us...
every night after school, then, right?
Yeah.
Well, I mean, after football practice, yeah.
Football practice?
Fantastic.
You're so hired.
I'm on top of the world!
Hey, Di, if we have a girl...
we should dress her like Little Debbie.
Jack, honey, I'm only eating for two.
No, I know
but all this food reminds me of how much...
I want to teach our baby... Cocoa Puffs: Good
Captain Crunch is bad.
It shreds the roof of your mouth.
Now, you're not born with that knowledge.
You hear "Trix are for kids."
And you think, "OK, I'm a kid.
So I guess they're for me."
But your little baby brain's got no idea...
that Lucky Charms are, like...
a million times better for you.
Jack.
Hey. Pop quiz.
If you could be Count Chocula or Trix the rabbit, who would you be?
Uh... Trix.
Me, too. God! Will it never end?
I love this lady!
Jack, I think I should get a job.
No, but we agreed yourjob's running the baby machine.
I know, but that was before I realized...
Oh... I almost forgot gas for the baby machine.
I'm going to get your snickers...
I'm going to meet you in line, OK?
- Mmm... love you. - I love you.
Hey, Di!
Hi, I'm a little professor!
Wouldn't it be cute if ours looked like this?
Yeah, you little marsh...
Honey?!
Oh, I am really sorry.
Jack...
I never knew you dreamed of working...
in a grocery store bank branch.
Baby, we are living the great american dream.
If you reach for the stars...
you're bound to step...
Jack, pull over.
Pull over.
Oh, Jesus, ew!
Why do they call it morning sickness?
It's OK. Get it all out.
Do you have any breath mints?
So, she's in my hands, right?
Moist to the touch.
Now, it's at that second that I think I control her...
you know, she's mine.
But it's a false illusion.
You know, it's like in that movie "Backdraft."
No man controls fire.
So, she's ready.
I'm ready.
She's ready.
I yell...
42-58. Hike!
Touch down.
Where were we?
I need a place to keep this.
So if anyone asks, what do you know?
That's right. You don't know shit.
Diane, it says here you're going to have mood swings...
uncontrollable gas...
It's more proof God's a guy.
And sex dreams where you actually have an orgasm.
Well, the Virgin Mary must have snuck that one in.
Come on, Jack, you promised.
OK. One question.
Oh, me, me, me!
Mine's great.
Proceed, Dungeon Master Quon.
OK, Jack.
You know how you and Diane slept together?
Yeah.
Well, now that you can't sleep together...
but you still sleep together...
don't you ever getjust, like...
super horny?
And if so, how horny?
I'll be quiet now so I can listen to your answer.
Yeah, Jack.
I'd love to hear your answer.
The answer's easy.
Oh, uh..."Lolita" is due back tomorrow.
Same for "91/2 Weeks" and ditto on "Wild Things."
Guys... I'm going to be a dad.
Dads don't get horny.
To the kids at school, Jack and Diane had it all.
I mean, come on, their own apartment, staying up late...
eating whatever they wanted...
plus Jack was getting a discount...
on R-rated movies at the video store.
Hello! Reality check.
School, practice, work, and Lamaze class?
It was really starting to take its toll.
2, 4, 6, 8...
Fighting Lincolns on to state!
Fight!
Lincoln! Fight!
Blue 42! Blue 42!
Set...
Hut!
OK, so they won state.
B. F. D.
The best part was...
Diane was really starting to look like shit.
Diane?
Diane!
Huh?
What?
Oh!
I'm under the ice! I'm under the ice!
Oh, man, that was a weird one.
Another sex dream?
- Wayne Gretzky. - Hat trick?
He is the great one.
Oh, my God.
You've been robbed.
No, I've been pregnant.
Di, are you OK?
We can skip the girl party this week.
Everything's fine.
I'm just having a little trouble...
turning my frown upside down.
Want us to help you pick up?
Don't Martha freaking stewart me.
You don't like it, you try being a pregnant teen.
Jack.
Oh, Jack.
Can I help you?
Get your loser ass away from me.
Oh, my gosh, Jack.
Are you OK?
Diane.
Brendon! Go with them.
They're in the vault, man. Go! Go!
Who's Mr. Duggan?
Mr. Duggan.
You want to open the vault?
Or do you want me to?
Do whatever they want, Terry.
Take the keys. Take them!
I'm confused.
Pappas knew the bank robbers were surfers...
because he saw a tan line?
Luce, it's "Point Break."
Just shut up and look at Keanu.
Di, what would you do if you were in a holdup?
Well...
I guess I...
I'd give them all the money they could hold...
and wish them a good life.
Because the Beatles were wrong.
Love isn't all you need.
Love won't pay the rent...
Iove won't buy my baby diapers...
and love sure as hell won't buy me...
my new Dolce & Gabbana jeans when I lose my baby weight.
Pretty soon we'll be broke...
and I'll just be another fat-ass wearing Chic jeans.
OK, put the snickers down.
Come kick it over here.
Wait a minute!
Freeze that! Freeze that!
Too much time.
Yeah.
Can you imagine?
Conan's head on Keanu's body?
Unstoppable.
No!
That's it! A bank robbery.
A big pile of money and my little family-to-be...
could get our heads above water.
My God, I read about this.
It's called pregnancy insanity.
Look...
I might be moody...
I might be gassy...
but I am perfectly sane.
Think about it.
In school they tell us dreams can come true.
Right?
Right.
But they don't tell us how.
Thanks to Keanu...
I've figured it out.
Money makes your dreams come true.
Listen, Kansas, I know you dream...
of springing your mom someday.
Stop, you're gonna make me cry.
If the O.J. Trial taught us anything...
it taught us that in America...
you can cut somebody's head off and still be found innocent...
as long as you have enough money.
Your mom only shot a guy.
And Cleo?
I know you dream of an all-leather apartment...
with Conan.
I overheard the school shrink telling the lunch lady.
Hannah, you could give your share to the church...
or maybe buy one of those starving kids...
that sally struthers advertises.
Or I could buy my own horse.
Or that.
Look, you guys...
I just want to provide a future for my baby.
I know my bank branch...
like the back of my puffy little hand.
I could open that safe in my sleep.
I'm in.
- Yes! - What?
I mean it. I'm in.
This is the closest thing to a goddamn family I've ever had.
If one of us needs something, then we all do.
Stop it! This is crazy.
I'm in, too.
Cleo!
Kansas is right.
We're like sisters.
We're closer than sisters...
and you don't turn your back on family.
Come on, Luce.
People do it in the movies all the time.
And they get caught.
That's right.
So all we have to do is watch a bunch of movies...
and learn from their mistakes.
You know, real cops aren't half as smart as Keanu.
Forget it.
I've got a scholarship to Harvard hanging over my head.
I won't risk it.
Conan went to Harvard.
Lucy, are you sure you have that scholarship?
- No. - And if you don't?
Can you still afford to go to Harvard?
I don't know, probably not.
So then this isn't crazy, is it?
It's a sure bet.
Well...
Come on!
- Come on! - Please?
I guess we're all in this together.
But... but!
We have to make a smart plan.
Of course. Of course.
OK, hands in.
All right.
We have to cross our hearts...
hope to die...
stick a dirty needle in our eye...
that we will never, ever tell Jack.
We all know he can't tell a lie.
That's why he's going to make such a great senator.
Cheerleaders kick...
We have two very cool guests...
and I'm gonna start with...
something I read in the paper today.
It involves sex. You hear me?
Yeah.
Yeah, don't worry. Not with me.
I feel totally abandoned in a place that values...
physical prowess over mental acuity.
I can't wait until all that changes...
once we're out in the real world.
I would.
I'd totally marry Prince William even if he was gay.
I mean, in England, all guys are kind of gay anyway, right?
Even cigarettes are fags.
The movie was so amazing.
He slices off the guy's ear, and I mean you see everything.
The bloody pink hole...
Cleo, I already threw up twice today.
Can you please get to any relevant part of the movie?
Well, you know, they had nick names, like Mr. Pink...
and I was thinking, Di, you could be Mrs. Pink.
Could I be Mrs. Purple?
And I could be Mrs. Red because I love red.
This is so exciting.
Di, how can you eat all that?
She's eating for two.
Jinx.
Page one is a plot summary of "Heat."
Two has my character summaries...
3 is my overall critique...
and on 4 through 10 you'll find...
my Nexis search of all prior analysis of this film.
In summation...
no part of "Heat" is really applicable...
to a grocery store bank branch robbery.
What the heck is going on here?
Jack! I can explain.
Diane, there's no excuse...
for not taking your prenatal vitamins.
I love you.
Cleo?
Would you just say my name?
Ted.
Well, it's a laugh riot for the whole family...
and Tim Conway is just about as funny as they come...
especially in the scene where...
Wait a minute.
You watched "The Apple fucking Dumpling Gang"?
I'm only allowed "G" movies.
Am I the only one who cares about this?
I mean, at least I watched "Dog Day Afternoon."
Excuse me.
Could you try to keep your voice down, please?
We're not introducing anger into the womb.
How would you like me to introduce my foot...
into your ass?
Kansas!
I'm sorry, Diane...
but I'm not gonna watch my dreams fade away...
because the Virgin Mary here...
thinks she can get ideas from kiddie movies.
Those of us who have parents...
know they have rules because they care.
Are you sure you want to go there?
Maybe.
You guys!
How do you like that?
Diane Weston?
Kansas, quit it!
Here.
God, we're sorry.
It's off.
I can't take the fighting...
the backstabbing, the open hostility.
We're not acting like cheerleaders.
We're acting like a bunch of sorority girls.
I'm sorry I ever started this.
Di, it's not your fault.
We all wanted to do this.
Look...
maybe I can watch a PG movie.
I'll just say I'm...
counting dirty words for sunday school.
It's OK, Hannah.
It was silly to think that we can learn...
to rob a bank from watching movies.
Sex you can learn from movies.
But robberies?
Forget about it.
Besides...
TV Land had a "Little House on the Prairie" marathon...
and the In galls made baby Carrie's bed...
from a dresser drawer.
I guess I could just do that.
Oh, my God!
The baby's got two heads.
It's twins!
I'm notjust super fat!
Oh, OK, we ain't done with this.
Those babies are gonna have a good start in life.
With a real crib... one that costs as hit load.
We're gonna learn how to rob a bank...
by the only people who really know how to do it:
Criminals.
I'm gonna visit my mom.
You don't look nothing like your picture.
Grandma and Grandpa sent you a picture of a neighbor girl.
They didn't want you to...
break out and come kidnap me.
Thank God.
I was starting to think I killed the wrong man.
So, what did you come here for?
To tell me how much you hate me?
I don't hate you.
I need your help.
Now, how in the hell can I help you?
My best friend got pregnant.
Before you?
Yeah, I know. That's what I said, too.
Um, anyway...
we want to help her get some money for the baby...
by robbing a bank.
Well, shit fire, Kansas.
That's the sweetest thing I ever heard.
But we can't quite figure out how to...
you know, how to do it.
So you need my help?
Oh, my God.
This is like you asking me for help with your homework.
Hey, Mink.
Come here.
Kansas, I want you to meet someone special.
Jesus Christ, Mom.
Like my life ain't a great big pile of shit...
'cause you're in here.
Now I've gotta add "P.S. My mom's a dyke," too?
Shut up, you mouthy little shit.
Don't "mouthy shit" me. I'm out of here.
Hey, wait. Sit down.
Now, I'm sorry.
Mama's a little overamped...
didn't get her yard time this morning.
Mink ain't my bitch, if that's what you think.
She's a specialist...
in banks.
Them's some sweet skirts you got there.
Oh, thank you!
Actually, they're uniforms.
We're cheerleaders.
You sure are.
Excuse me.
All right, same time tomorrow...
we have a visit with our favorite aunts.
Listen, robbing banks is like pulling a trick.
You gotta stay in control...
know how far you'll go to get the dough...
and always put the rubber on yourself.
You know what I mean.
Hey, and you gotta do it the day after Christmas.
Why?
Banks don't have holiday pickups, so vaults are full.
Besides, everyone's at home eatin' left overs...
and beatin' their kids.
Really? You were cell mates with her?
Oh, my God. She was my hero!
Did she tell you what Letter man's house was like?
You gotta buy your Gats from the Terminator.
Tell him ltchy sent you.
And Gats are?
Guns, cutie.
You listen to Carol, pussycat.
Go rent "National Velvet."
It's got some awesome steeple chases in it.
I'm gonna write that down.
So, although their father said...
Don't get out of the car till I get back with help...
they knew the sheriff's voice when he yelled...
Run to my voice! And don't look back!
The twins did as he said...
but at the very last second...
they turned around and saw the escaped mental patient...
bouncing their father's head on top of the car.
They jumped!
That's just gas, sweetie.
What are you working on?
Just some girly stuff for the squad.
Well, whoever gets out alive...
have the authorities check in the crawl space.
Kansas, you should never judge a book by its cover.
I guess there's an exception to every rule.
Could I help you?
You're the Terminator?
Did you come in here to bust my balls?
Huh?
Well, I kill bugs for a living.
If God doesn't beat you to it.
No, wait, um...
We're the "A" squad from Lincoln High school.
So, uh...
so, we were told you could fix us up.
Fix you up.
Really.
Yeah, ltchy sent us.
She did, did she?
How is the old girl?
Definitely old.
Yeah, that's my ltchy.
How many?
Uh...
Um, well...
We'll each probably want one, so...
We'll take 5.
5 should do it.
All right.
And, uh, how much ammo do you want?
Ammo?
How many bullets do you need?
Oh, bullets.
No bullets.
Oh, my gosh. These are just to scare people.
Kind of like around-off back hand spring whip back double full.
You never really use it.
You just want the opposing squad to know you've got it.
OK.
$1,500 cash.
What?
You piece of shit bug zapper!
Obviously that's a little more than our budget will allow.
Um, basically, we're looking for something around $200.
Oh, well, why didn't you say so?
For 200, I got some real nice rubber bands...
and some sharp nails in the back.
I think I got 5 of them. They come in pastel colors.
Why don't you wait right there...
and let me go gift-wrap it for you.
They are 1,500 cash on the barrel.
You take it or you leave it.
Well, what kind of deal would you make...
if I told you we were going to go tell the police...
that you're selling illegal guns?
To minors!
To girl minors!
Then I'd just have to kill you.
OK, well...
it was a pleasure meeting you.
Take care.
Let's go, you guys.
Hold it right there.
Oh, please.
We're not going to tell anyone.
Maybe we can make a deal.
Look, buddy...
we're not gonna trade sex for guns.
Unless Cleo...
Kansas!
I got a daughter.
And she's always dreamt of being a cheerleader.
Aw.
Tell you what I'll do.
If you put her on your squad...
and I mean put her on the squad...
don't make her haul around your pompoms...
you give her something to do...
then I'll give you the guns.
You're kidding.
Hey, Fern!
Fern, come here!
She's out back siphoning off the tanks.
It takes just a second to cap off that cyanide hose.
Honey!
Oh, there she is.
Here's my baby.
Fern, meet your new best friends.
We'll be right back.
Don't you take too long.
Let's do breathing exercises, shall we?
Is Jack upset that he can't be here?
We worked it out.
Doing good, sweetie.
Let's remember our focal point.
OK, don't stop now.
Come on, we're gonna make it, baby. Come on.
What a sad waste of man.
OK...
Even with all our savings...
it's still only 654.
That's it?
Hey, I even took my parents' foster kid money.
Philippe's going to be gathering rice...
without pants this month.
OK, wait a second. Hold on.
Now, what do we do before a big game?
Use the bathroom...
because the port-a-potties on the field are gross.
My fault.
What do we do that enables us to be as great as we are?
I personally think of how Conan...
started as a writer, and then...
We practice.
That's right. Practice makes perfect.
I'm practicing to have a baby right now.
If we do a practice job...
we'll not only get the experience...
but we'll also get the money we need for the guns.
I've got the perfectjob...
and I've gotta pee, so help me up.
Hello. How many would you like?
Seven.
Hi.
Hello. How many?
Two, please.
Oops!
Oh, please, help me with her!
What the hell kind of food are they serving us...
if they can turn a prof it on 200 bucks?
Uh, Fern?
Yeah?
No more filling the tanks before practice, OK?
OK.
So, you know, what are you?
Anorexic or bulimic?
Just skinny.
Don't make me hate you.
OK, let's get going.
My grandparents get back from dinner at 4:30.
Ready?
OK!
What the hell...
Oh, no!
He lkea'd us.
How many signs do we need.
We're not supposed to do this.
Look, maybe Lucy is right.
Maybe this is a sign.
Kansas?
That you down there?
Yeah, Grandma. Me and the squad.
You girls talking about boys?
Practicing kissing your hand?
Yeah, you caught us.
Oh, well, then I'll put some cookies...
at the top of the stairs for you girls.
Thanks, that'd be great.
You got that big retarded girl...
down there with you?
Uh-huh, yeah, Grandma.
Then I'll throw a few more treats on the plate.
She doesn't mean that.
She kind of lost the old filter with the last stroke.
Where's my smokes?
Oh, I'll have them for you right before "Touched By An Angel."
Don't worry.
You damned well better.
Oh, this is great. What do we do?
Threaten people with a trunkful of parts?
I'm sorry, you guys.
When you're dealing with south American rebels...
you kind of gotta to take what you can get.
It's a trunkful of crap.
Excuse me, do you guys know what I don't see here?
What?
I don't see a problem.
I see a great big craft project...
sitting right in front of me.
So, Kansas, get me some glue...
some tape, and a nail file.
Meanwhile, the most important event of my life...
was about to take place.
Please join our "A" and "B" squad cheerleaders...
in a salute to winter sports!
The winter sports pep rally is only, like...
the biggest cheerleading event of the year.
I'd been practicing for months.
This was my big chance to show the whole school...
that I really belonged on the "A" squad.
I just want to say, that normally,
I'm an excellent skater.
Some jealous fag, who will remain nameless...
obviously sabotaged my skates.
I was completely humiliated...
In front of the entire student body.
Talk about adding insult to injury...
at the last minute, Diane finagled putting...
that backwater mutant monkey girl on top of the pyramid!
Yeah!
No way!
It ruined the entire finale.
Ask anybody!
Conan O'Brien...
Conan O'Brien. Conan O'Brien...
Come on, Cleo.
We're not gonna waste this week's question...
to the nether world on Conan.
Who made up the one-question-a-week rule anyway?
It's in the Bible, so just shut the hell up.
OK, OK. Here goes...
Is the day after Christmas...
the best day for the heist?
Yes!
Girls, numerology confirms it, too. Look!
So does "soldier of Fortune."
A great day to go balls out on the offensive.
Then it's time for my mom's present.
Be careful. Have fun. Ski masks are so done.
Wear these masks to fight the power...
and never bend over in the shower.
Hey, Diane, you can be Mood-swing Betty.
Hannah, you're Virgin Betty...
with optional horse and saddle.
And Fern, you can be...
Oh, God, we forgot Fern.
Oh, it's OK.
My mom and the girls just got them for the heist.
It's nothing personal.
Hey, I got to cheer with you guys.
I'm happier than a Make-A-Wish kid at Disneyland.
Well, we'll all sign your yearbook.
Here, take mine.
Look, I didn't know how to tell you guys...
but I got my scholarship.
I can't go through with this.
But we went hands in on this.
You're breaking the National High school...
Cheerleading Association's pledge...
of allegiance and conformity.
I'll turn in my pompoms after Christmas.
You know, you guys are insane...
if you don't think those criminals would...
gladly turn you in for a pack of Lucky's.
Oh, yeah!
Well, unlike you, those criminals...
take an oath, and they stick with it.
You don't mess with another in mate...
and you never mess with her kid.
I'm sorry, Diane.
I could take Lucy's place.
You can be Terminator Betty.
Fight the power!
1, 2, 3!
Oh, God!
Oh, honey...
Next Christmas...
I'm putting a diamond in it.
I don't know what to say.
Well, say you love me.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Oh, God, here's mine.
It's so lame. It's not romantic or anything.
No, no, no, shh. I'm gonna love it.
Ah, a gift certificate!
For a new paintjob on the GTO.
Yeah, I was thinking that maybe you'd want...
to change the color after Christmas.
Wow...
Do you like it?
I sold the car to buy you that ring.
You're kidding?
No!
We don't have a car.
No.
Oh! Oh, sweetie.
Sweetie...
Kansas, listen to me.
Jack sold our getaway car.
It's some goddamn "Gift Of The Magi"thing.
Oops, Mommy's sorry, sweet peas.
Swearing is the surest way to...
Oh, shit!
Mommy needs a get away car.
Jump in!
We can't stop!
The brakes are bad!
Come, Kansas, let's hurry!
Fern, you've got to slow down.
Oh, dear Lord...
please don't let us run over Kansas.
Help!
Get in! Quick!
The brakes are broken.
Grab my hand, Kansas. Come on, Kansas!
Come on, give it a shot.
Oh, my God!
Anyone bring a next rapair of panties?
Who are you?
The goddamn Bionic Woman?
I just pulled it, and it came off.
Great, this is great.
Now we have to enter through the front door.
Look, it's not my fault.
Hey! God, rule number 1:
You never take off the mask, you hear me?
No matter what happens, you never take off the mask.
I'm sorry, Kansas.
Oh! God, no.
Rule number 2: No names.
No goddamn names, you retard.
For Christ's sake, White Trash Betty.
I didn't realize the rules went into effect...
before we entered the supermarket.
Well, use your head, stalker Betty.
Bettys, stop it.
The best squad is one that hopes for the best...
and prepares for the worst. National High school...
Cheerleading Association letter head.
Now, let's give a hands in.
We're ready, we're prepared...
and this is going to be the best bank robbery ever...
because...
Cheerleaders kick...
It's me.
Lucy?
What the hell do you want?
I want to help. I'm a part of this squad.
Oh, no.
You have committed the ultimate sin.
You left your squad to be with a guy.
And that guy is the devil himself...
because only the devil would turn you against your sisters.
Let's go.
What's this?
Get on the ground now!
We got tape. Don't worry about it.
I said down!
OK, uh. Hello?
Yeah. Excuse me. Yeah, hi.
Umm, are you robbing the supermarket...
or the bank branch?
The bank.
OK, so...
do you want everybody down...
orjust the people at the bank?
- All of you! - Bank branch!
- All of you!
Will you shut up. I'll handle this.
Bank branch only.
Everybody else, just go on about your business.
Shit, this ain't working.
Everybody down!
That's an illegal dismount.
Oh, my God.
An "A" squad pompom string.
Keep your eyes on the ground.
This is great.
How are we doing?
Quick. Big bills, big bills.
This here is bullshit!
That's what this is.
Shit!
I'm fine here. Go on.
I ain't going to let some piece of shit...
Betty doll tell me what to do.
No sirree Bob.
Freeze or meet Jesus, asshole!
Don't never use the Lord's son's name in vain...
around these parts in the U.S. Of A.
What the heck?
Uh, I forgot to tell you.
Sometimes when the rebels take the gun off a corpse...
some live rounds get left in the clip.
Good to know.
Christ on a cracker.
All right, you guys, let's go.
I'm here live at the scene of today's...
highly unusual bank robbery...
speaking with an eyewitness.
Can you please tell us a little bit...
about what happened here today?
Yes. In fact, you're talking to the right person...
because I am walking evidence.
OK. One of them stepped right on my...
OK? Excuse me, can you get a shot of me here?
This is important, buddy.
Hello? Can you dust my... for prints? This is important.
I can't believe you're standing there, you idiot!
Wait, hold on, I forgot.
I have this. This is really important...
That's very nice. Thank you for your time.
Well, as you can see, this crime here today...
is affecting people very seriously.
If you haven't heard:
Today, 5 pregnant Betty dolls robbed the bank.
Can you believe this?
We're like celebrities.
Better enjoy it now.
Because tomorrow some little kid falls down a well...
and we're nothing but a distant memory.
Disguises incinerated.
Oh, bad news, Di.
There was one thing we just couldn't fit in the furnace.
Oh, my God.
Oh, you guys!
Thank you. Oh!
Can you believe we did it?
I mean...
We did it.
We really did it.
I guess no one could have predicted...
the shit storm that was about to hit.
I mean, the only thing people cared about, thought about...
or talked about was the robbery.
Judging by the way the robbers practically flew up...
to spray paint the security cameras...
I think it was an Asian gang.
Yeah. Because as a people...
they tend to be quite tiny and very acrobatic.
That's all it took.
Next thing you know...
Dim sum Charlie's being hauled in for questioning.
From there, the town just seemed to go apes hit.
That's her! That's her!
This thing spread faster than a canker sore...
on the girls swim team.
Someone in Lincoln would say something like...
They was dressed like a bunch of...
freakin' Betty dolls, for... sake.
They had these... little voices...
and only a bunch of... damn queers...
would shoot up a union cap.
All of the sudden...
it's on "Jerry Springer."
This thing was definitely huge.
And welcome to the show. Today, we're going to meet...
a growing number of transvestites...
who just don't like to dress up as women.
They like to dress up as pregnant women.
Eric Karros...
It was like the whole country had come down...
with Betty doll fever.
Left drive over the left field wall...
into a waiting pack of Bettys.
And then it finally happened...
the moment I had been waiting for.
The little dip shits in blue...
finally followed up on my evidence.
Hi. I'm Kurt Loder with an MTV News Brief.
Authorities now believe a group of teenage girls...
are responsible for the Betty doll bank robbery.
Stay tuned for my interview with Alanis Morissette...
on the negative influence of the Betty doll...
on young girls, right after this.
Hello?
It was Lucy. Lucy went to the cops.
Remember, Kansas.
Every time you point a finger...
you have three more pointing back at you.
She's been the weak tit on this mama cat...
since the beginning.
That you?
Yeah. Hold on.
Just call me later.
I got to get some smokes for my grandma.
Don't use big bills.
For a pack of cigs? I'll use her food stamps.
Hello?
We're dead.
They showed this prison movie to my youth group on sunday.
Hannah...
No, it wasn't like the prison we saw.
All of these women had to shave their heads...
because they got lice from the filthy lives they lived.
Oh, no. I'm going to be someone's bald bitch!
Oops. Hold on a second.
Hello?
Di? It's Luce.
Kansas just called and said she's going to freak me up.
Then I heard coughing and a thud and Kansas had to go.
I think her grandma had another heart attack.
Anyway, why does she want to freak me up?
She thinks you went to the police.
What? That's insane.
Why would I go to the police?
Relax. I've got to get that.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Hello?
My sunday school teacher says that in prison...
women shove broom sticks up your...
Hold on.
Yeah?
Hello?
No. This is Diane. I think you have the wrong number.
Oops. That's me. Gotta go.
Wrong number? No!
Hello?
Di, I just called to say...
that Conan talked about us again last night.
Thanks, Cleo. See you tomorrow.
Morning, sunshine.
Remember, except for the morning sickness...
the blinding back pain...
and the embarrassingly unpredictable gas...
these are the best days of your life, so far.
Hey, hey, hey. Not so fast.
Following your dream isn't a crime.
Nobody suspects you.
Nobody even has a clue.
Hey, guys.
Someone not take a shower today?
Hey, Lisa, did you run into Carmen Electra last summer?
No.
Oh, because it looks like you got...
some of her tits on you.
This just came from...
the National High school Cheerleading Association.
You guys might want to look it over...
before you try any more cradle dismounts...
from double-based partner stunts...
that are over shoulder stand level without using 3 catchers.
Oh, or before you think about robbing another bank.
What did she say? How does she know?
Move it, people.
FBI. FBI. Freeze!
I'm sorry to bother you, ma'am, but is this gonna take long?
It's game night.
Face front.
Are you sure they can't see us?
One-way mirror, ma'am.
Picture in 3, 2, 1.
Excuse me, ma'am.
On "Law & Order," they get to make one phone call.
I need to call the fat her of my babies.
It's a fungus. Leave it alone.
There's nothing I can do about it. Hello?
Lisa, it's Diane. We need to talk.
And that's why I came forward.
I mean, even the kids on the short bus...
can see that all the evidence...
points to Diane and the "A" squad.
Oh, it sure does.
Your testimony will prove in valuable...
Unfortunately, it wasn't them.
They were all waiting in my suburban that day...
while I ran into the supermarket for some cash.
We were on our way to practice.
Well, better get going.
Nobody ever got ahead by sitting on their behind.
Hey! Over here!
Is that Lisa?
What's she doing here?
Come on.
They let you guys keep your mug shots?
I don't get it, Lisa.
Why did you tell the cops that we were with you?
Look, you guys, a failure to plan...
is a plan for failure.
We needed an alibi.
And I'm not going to be doing back handsprings anytime soon.
What's in it for her?
Well, the "A" squad is going to need a new captain soon.
You can't be serious!
Lisa really does know all the rules.
Look! If it wasn't for my alibi...
you'd all be doing college by correspondence.
Get away from me!
Diane!
God, roll down a window!
Sorry, itjust slipped out.
OK!
Funny how things work out in the end.
Diane turned in her pompoms...
and I'm the new "A" squad captain.
After all, National High school Cheerleading Association...
rule number one: Always stand behind...
your fellow cheerleaders...
especially when they're 7 months pregnant,
locked in a holding tank, and looking at 15 to life.
Actually, I made that last little bit up...
but you know what I mean.